The Pelican Brief

See what I did there? Well, it was Breakfast in Picasso, Lunch at The Pelican Conservatory and Supper in the Grantham Hilton. It sounds like a day at the Cannes Film Festival, doesn’t it? Allow me to explain. As you (not you if you are a chance visitor looking for donkey porn and don’t know anything about SimonG) will know, the belated SimonG Christmas Meet was held yesterday at The Pelican in Addlestone, Surrey (about a couple of hundred yards from the Charlotte Rose’s mooring – shame on you if you didn’t go and marvel at her). It was great, of course! What else could it have been? I was so determined not to be late and, as I had got up just a leetle bit later than planned, I rushed over to Tesco Express and bought a couple of Sepcial K cereal bars to eat for breakfast in the car on the way; I’ve got a Citroen Xsara Picasso – with me so far? I arrived at the Crouch Oak (the pub where I, Merman, Mermaid and Maris Piper were staying on Saturday night) at about 10.35am and, whilst on the phone to Maris to ascertain her whereabouts, was verbally accosted from the driver’s window of a magnificent motorhome which turned out to be inhabited by Merfolk (it’s got Hilton painted on each wing) and is lovingly (if somewhat grandiosely) referred to as the Grantham Hilton – it turned out to be a fine temporary retreat later in the day. And it also turned out that my room had been occupied on the previous night by Sparkle Princess and Marshmallow! The cleaner hadn’t finished with the room but she let me go in and change before we set off for the meet. The empty Pot Noodle tub was still on the bathroom floor! Oh, and Marshy, I’ll post on to you the (ahem) item that I found under the bed – it didn’t fit on my head either! We were allocated the Pelican’s conservatory which overlooked the Wey Navigation, of which you (again not the other you) will be aware, Cap’n Henry Not The Thirst is the master. Amanda had apparently allocated the conservatory to our party without telling me, and others were aware of this despite my several (ahem) liaisons with her prior to the event. Oh well, I got over it after a few pints of Southern Glory! Anyway, it seems that everyone had a good time meeting folk for the first time (although it almost didn’t seem like the first time) and seeing old friends again. I achieved both! We (that is, me, Maris, Merman, Mermaid and gsyhiap) set off from The Pelican at about 10pm and walked back towards the Crouch Oak with a view to getting some fish and chips from the purveyor of same opposite the Crouch Oak. Well, he was closed but, fortunately (although not, as it turned out, for Maris - see her blog), the kebab house and Chinese takeaway were still peddling their wares to the masses (actually quite conspicuous by their absence, although, of course the pubs hadn’t yet chucked out) so, having acquired our respective dishes of nosh, we all trooped over to assemble in the Grantham Hilton and scoff it. Thanks , Chris and Rosie! A perfect end to a perfect day and you can see some piccies here.

Casey's Tool Works

Or so the saucy postcard said. I wonder if it really does. I love English, y’know, and I feel really sorry for anyone from forren who’s trying to learn it. There are such subtle nuances in the pronunciation and spelling and so many things you can do to manipulate it.

I mean, you can pepper food with salt, ponder whether Jonah did in fact have a whale of a time, consider that a good way of making the Vatican smell nice might be to spread a good bit of pot-pourri – go on, say it out loud quick! There are many questions which you may think don’t need answering, but, as I’ve finished a batch of work and have a few spare minutes – and I haven’t blogged for absolutely ages – here are just a few:- 1. If the Prince of Wales had his name put on an item of laydees’ underwear, would you have an Heir On A G-string’? Pardon? No, ‘Basque In The Sun’ does NOT work 2. Are Girls Allowed to sing? 3. If nobody knows about it, would you be able to hear a Secret Policeman's Bawl? 4. Should I feel privileged to have been able to listen as a child to Billy Cotton’s Banned Show? 5. Should a large baby be given a Wide Birth? 6. Should young swans become members of a Cygnet Ring? 7. Would a hymn dedicated to Wyatt Earp’s famous battle be called ‘Gunfight At The OK Chorale’? 8. Could pigeons topple a government by means of a Coo d’Etat? 9. Is ‘Boyfriend in a quiver’ a reasonable clue to ‘Beau And Arrow’? 10. Should Gorilla Warfare even appear on this list?

Right, in closing, remember, if you support Liverpool and smell, you know what they’ll chant at you? ‘You Never Wore Cologne’. Buy for now!

Friends

Christmas, I am sure, has a special meaning for every individual. I know someone to whom it signifies nothing but the anniversary of their child’s death; that’s a sobering thought. For most, it’s a time to rejoice with family and friends. Whatever it means to you, it just seems an appropriate time for me to say a few words about some people I have come to know. You know who you are and I must say it has been a pleasure to have been associated with you all in one way or another. You have told me something about your hopes, dreams, successes, failures, your life, and it is somehow uplifting to have been a small part of it. I’m not sure I can remember how it happened now, but I think Omally was involved somewhere along the line! Anyway, thank you for your kindness and friendship; my only regret is that we didn’t meet 30 years ago, although I realise that some of you weren’t even a glint in your Dad’s eye then!

Happy Hogswatch to one and all and I hope I’ll see a lot of you in January!

Sky Blues

Well, Sky have done it now, too! They have call centres on the Asian sub-continent. And I couldn’t understand what they were saying when they were in Scotland!

Regular readers will know about my relapse into Sky Movies for a three-month period at a reduced subscription. Well, there were one or two paper view (see that?) films that we fancied watching. Obviously, I had forgotten my PIN as it hadn’t been used for about three years (and I hadn’t made a note of it), so I gulped, sat down comfortably and telephoned Sky Customer Services. During the first call, the nice lady recording said I could resolve common queries (actually giving the example of a forgotten PIN) on their website. Aha! Well, you bloody well try it! So I rang them again and sat listening to endless menu options, none of which concerned forgotten PINs, so I just pressed a random number each time and was eventually connected to a human. He listened patiently while I explained my (I thought) very simple enquiry and then told me he would have to put me through to a colleague in another province of India department. Naturally, I had to repeat what I had already told the first person.
Me: “I want to order a Box Office movie and I have forgotten my PIN.”
Sky person: “You want to order a Box Office movie?”
Me: “Yes, as it happens I do, but the point of this call is to set up a new PIN, because I have forgotten the one I have.”
Sky person: “Do you want to order a movie now?”
Me: “RIGHT. JUST TO EXPLAIN ONCE AND FOR ALL, THE REASON I HAVE TELEPHONED YOU IS TO RESET MY PIN BECAUSE I HAVE BLOODY WELL FORGOTTEN IT. I AM HEARTILY SICK OF PRESSING BLOODY BUTTONS TO RESOLVE BLOODY QUERIES WHICH DO NOT APPEAR TO HAVE BUTTONS AND I WAS HOPING TO SPEAK TO A LIVING PERSON WHO I THOUGHT WOULD BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH A BLOODY SIMPLE QUERY. ARE YOU THAT PERSON?”
Sky person: “Do you want to change your PIN?”
Me: “ Hurrah, huzzah and send my pants to an extra-strength laundry!”
Sky person: “Sorry?”
Me: “Never mind! I apologise for shouting at you and I realise that the pathetic standard of training you have been given and, in the circumstances, the much-reduced cost of customer support to Sky that vastly increases their profits is not your fault.”
Sky person (oblivious to irony): “What PIN would you like?”
Me: (Thinks: my bank debit card number would be good) “XXXX”
Sky person: “Does that match any of your bank details?”
Me: “Errm…yes, actually.” (Idiot! What have you just done?)
Sky person: “I can’t give you that PIN. Can you give me another number?”
Me: “XXXX”
Sky person: “Does that number match any of your bank details?”
Me: (lying through teeth) “No.”
Sky person: “OK. I have changed your PIN.”
Me: “How do you really know that’s not my John Lewis partnership card PIN?”
Sky person: “Pardon?” (Those last two remarks didn’t happen)
Me: “Thank you.”

So we watched “United 93” and, despite the fact that you knew what was going to happen, I thought it was very good.

Road works

Or to be more precise, information super-highway works; well, there must be something holding up access to almost every website I tried to look at last night. Annoyingly, I have been getting more and more frequent messages about Firefox not being able to find the server at [insert URL here]. Actually, it is a little unnerving, because it probably means that some piece of hardware or other on my network is going to explode soon ("Approaching Menace" by Neil Richardson plays in background). Y'know, I'm beginning to realise that one of the things I probably miss most from when I worked for a local authority is I.T. Support. If something goes wrong now, I have to sort it myself or I'm screwed! In other words, I'm screwed!

Boxing quite clever

I am sorry, in a way, to say that I succumbed to a Sky telephone marketing ploy recently and agreed to take a reduced subscription for Sky Movies for a three-month period, with the option of reverting to my previous subscription at the end of that period. I like fillums very much and I used to subscribe to Sky Movies but cancelled the subscription several months ago mainly because of the frequency of repeat showings and availability of DVDs within a fairly short time from cinema release. However, tonight we watched "Million Dollar Baby" for the first time and, as far as I am concerned, it has alone justified the additional fee. I had to get the kitchen roll out. If you haven't seen it, you have missed a treat.

Button

We had four power cuts last night (one while the PC was rebooting) and one this morning (while I was in the middle of downloading something). Somebody bought this little button for me last Christmas. I wish it worked!

Cambridge in Colour

I'm sorry for the rubbishness of this, particularly as it has been some time since my last one and I know you have come to expect a somewhat higher standard, but I only wanted to show you some pictures I Stumbled Upon earlier today. Have a look here. I think they are rather good, don't you?

Notes from a small island

My recent holiday on the Greek island of Zakynthos (aka Zante) was one of the best I have had in a very long time. If you are interested, you can see some piccies here. The island is still quite unspoilt and there are no high-rise buildings to mar the landscape. In case you didn't know, every building, bar three, was destroyed in an earthquake in August 1953, and, subsequently, very stringent anti-seismic building standards apparently ensure a good level of safety for residents and tourists alike. You will have to indulge me now. We took a coach tour round the island and the excellent guide recounted a myth which has moved me to repeat it. Olive trees abound on the island and the older ones can be recognised by the splitting into two and intertwining of the trunks. As the story goes, Zeus, the father of the gods, had befriended two mortals, an elderly couple who were devoted to each other and he visited them regularly. One day, he said to them, "It is within my power to grant you whatever you desire. Why have you never asked me to give you anything?" They said that they had everything they wanted – they loved each other deeply and their lives were enriched by that; however, they did ask that, if one of them died, the other should die at the same time, so neither would ever be alone. The next day, Zeus visited the couple and discovered them dead in their bed, their arms clasped tightly around each other. Zeus then decreed that, when olive trees became old, their trunks should split in two and become entwined like his mortal friends on their deathbed. I like that story. There was, however, a fly in the ointment, a nigger in the woodpile, a pube on the bog seat. This was an "entertainer" who figured prominently most nights in a bar about 300 metres away as the crow flies from the balcony of our apartment. Amazingly for an alleged professional, his guitar was permanently out of tune and his amplification equipment adjusted so he could be heard on mainland Greece. He was billed as being 'renowned throughout Europe' – as an inept musician, presumably. Unfortunately, on a couple of occasions, his shenanigans continued until almost 5.00 a.m. Sadly, this will prevent our return to the same accommodation, although not to the resort, which was excellent. If, on your travels, you ever encounter any reference to the likelihood of Steve Gemos appearing at a venue near you, I would strongly advise that you hasten in the opposite direction, unless, of course, you are pissed out of your brains. Ooh, I nearly forgot the earth tremor.

Première

Pete works for us in the pub and he also makes movies. His company, Gumboot Pictures, has produced “shorts” which I think are excellent and very professional, particularly when you consider the budget they work within (i.e. nil + Pete’s credit card). Just over two years ago, I think, they formed an idea for a film which has now become a full length feature, called "Small Town Folk". We've had a couple of showings on the big-screen TV at the pub and regulars organised a raffle to raise money for it last May. They have already featured on local BBC radio, taken the film to Cannes (and been interviewed there for BBC Radio 1) and made several contacts in the industry, so good luck to them. There are actually two well-known actors making cameo appearances (as the Knackermen) in it: Howard Hew Lewis, who played Elmo Putney, the pub landlord in "Brush Strokes", and Warwick Davis, who plays Professor Filius Flitwick in the Harry Potter films (and, incidentally a goblin bank teller at Gringott's in the first one) and Marvin the Paranoid Android (though not his voice), in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Anyway, last Saturday morning, they organised a showing at the Harbour Lights cinema in Southampton (overlooking the Ocean Village Marina) and about 240 friends, family, cast and crew turned up to see the film get its first major screening. If you ever get the chance to see it, do watch it, it's good fun (and some of it was shot in the pub). Unfortunately, a scene in which I appeared ended up on the cutting-room floor, although it might be on the Bonus Features disc when it comes out on DVD! I had never been to this particular cinema before, so I used my Garmin Streetpilot ("it's only an aid to navigation" © Omally) to take us the last two or three miles. Towards what that damn' Garmin woman indicated was almost the end of the journey, we turned at some traffic lights and entered an estate of new offices and other commercial buildings, eventually turning into a Pay and Display car park. Befuddled, I wound my window down and asked a lady unloading stuff from a van if she could tell me where the Harbour Lights cinema was. "I think you'll find that's it" she replied, pointing to the building I was parked next to.

French Chronicles – II

At the time of the first joint holiday mentioned in Part 1 of these Chronicles, we owned a caravan and had travelled to France with it a couple of times already. The day we were due to set off for Portsmouth for the evening ferry, it was packed to the hilt (do caravans have hilts?) and strenuous efforts having been expended to wash it as well, equal quantities of sweat and soapy water were now swirling about in our section of New Forest District Council's drains. Further stress was imminent; upon connecting the caravan's electric hook-up to the car, the car's rear fog lights immediately came on and determinedly stayed on. I had not the remotest idea what was causing this but had no time to investigate. We therefore set off. We arrived at Portsmouth without further incident - but with fog lights blazing - at about 6.10 p.m. Nothing much of note happened during our seemingly interminable wait to board other than the man in front of us in the queue for the ferry continually going in and out of his caravan (we never did work out why), all the while making a noise like a trombone: normal people just hum or whistle. The other (slightly more worrying) thing was, inevitably, another caravanner asking me if I knew my rear fog lamps were on. I said I did and (as authoritatively as possible) that there was a short in the electrical system which I intended to repair once settled in France. My fellow traveller seemed satisfied with this totally disingenuous explanation and I fervently hoped he was not going to the same camp site. Some drivers seem incapable of following the simplest of instructions and, while we were following the activities of Mr Trombone Man, one of these drove past the multi column line of vehicles in a large white Citroën, towards a non-existent embarkation point, chased (on foot) by a clipboard-waving Brittany Ferries official, yelling at him to stop. No doubt the stupid idiot wondered what all those cars were doing parked on the quayside when the ferry was parked in the water. As the crossing to St Malo took about 10 hours, we did have a good chance of actually sleeping for a reasonable period; there is little doubt, though, that beer does help.

All Present And Nearly Correct

“…TWENTY-ONE TODAY, TWENTY-ONE TODAY, SHE’S GOT THE KEY OF THE DOOR, NEVER BEEN 21 BEFORE, LA LA LA LA LA LA LA etc. etc.” Marie is my eldest son Andrew’s girl-friend and, apart from being (in my opinion) the best thing that has ever happened to him, she is, as you might have gathered by now, 21 today! For the last couple of weeks, she has been like a dog with several tails, looking forward to the day and, especially the party at the pub tonight. She did very well this morning, apparently, and, although she woke up at 4.30 a.m., she didn’t get up until 7 a.m. They had watched the first DVD by 9 a.m. Anyway, the point of this is, our gift to her was still at home this morning and, as we have to clean the pub on a Saturday, there it remained. I came back to get changed and my missus phoned saying why didn’t I wrap it up and bring it and the card with me when I returned for lunch, and we could give them to her while it was relatively quiet. OK, for a bloke, I pride myself on being extraordinarily adept at wrapping up parcels; well, the first seven-eighths anyway. When I get to that stage, something goes ping and there is an immediate metamorphosis which results in the parcel looking as if several people have already tried to unwrap it. The item was enclosed in several layers of tissue paper in a cardboard box and required two fairly large sheets of wrapping paper. I had two sellotape-related problems: (1) I couldn’t find any that worked and (2) when I DID find some, it wouldn’t stick to the box properly. I accomplished the mission eventually but I had to stick the curly bow thingy on so as to obscure the yellow insulating tape. Hands up if anyone else sweats while wrapping up presents. She’s worth it, though.

Cut, cut, cut, blood, spurt, artery, murder (ahem)

I was going to mention this as an adjunct to Number 60 on the list in my last blog but, after someone suggested that posing nude in front of strangers might include having a baby (although she did recall wearing a T-shirt at the time), I thought I may have achieved it upon the occasion of my vasectomy some years ago - I would argue that, as a man, you probably couldn’t get much nuder than that in front of strangers - and the following account would not have sat well merely as an adjunct; I thought it more deserving of a separate blog, but make up your own mind about that. Those of a nervous disposition may like to squint a bit whilst reading. I would like to mention that I had a pre-op examination a few days before and it is the first time in my life (and the last, I hasten to assure you) that I have shaken the hand of an Australian, two digits of which, within seconds, were thrust unceremoniously up my arse. But I digress. Although I was told the operation would be done under a local anaesthetic (phew!), it was a day surgery job, so I was only at the hospital from about 9 a.m. until my sister-in-law picked me up late afternoon. I recall one or two incidents both during the day and the subsequent month I had to take off work. Eh? Well, because of the clot. Yes, the bugger with the knife and the one, er, down there. Think of a tennis ball. No, don’t. For 10 days, I had to sleep downstairs on the settee because I was unable to negotiate the stairs. And they made me take hot baths with salt and told me to squeeze clotted blood out. Excuse me while I wipe my eyes. Anyway, I got a Good Boy Certificate from one of the nurses who said that I burbled incessantly before I went under and, afterwards, I was wheeled into a recovery room with about eight other men, most of whom had had the same operation. A buxom sister would come in frequently and check our, um, bits. By her third visit, we were, in true Folies Bergères style, lifting our gowns in perfect unison – even the bloke in the bed next to me despite the fact he had only had an ingrowing toenail removed. All in all, a rather painful episode of my life which could possibly have been made less so had my sister-in-law not driven me home at about 60mph round country roads with me trying to take my weight on one or other buttock – and failing miserably. She meant well. When I got back to work, a friend of mine asked me where I had had the operation done. When I told him “Salisbury,” he replied “what, Market?” Oh, ha ha.

Are you experienced?

This list was half-inched from Lord Hutton's blog and some people in the rubbish chat agreed to do it as well. My comments will hopefully indicate whether I've done the thing or not. Maybe. 01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink - Of course I have! When we bought the pub and had a pubwarming party, the first drink for everyone was gratis - how great am I? 02. Swam with wild dolphins - No, nor with calm ones 03. Climbed a mountain - Yes, on a train 04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive - Why would I want to? 05. Been inside the Great Pyramid - Egypt, no; The Louvre, yes 06. Held a tarantula - Noooooooooo 07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - I would have remembered that 08. Said 'I love you' and meant it - I always mean it 09. Hugged a tree - Is that legal? 10. Bungee jumped - You’ve got to be kidding! With my back? 11. Visited Paris - Several times; I love it to bits 12. Watched a lightning storm at sea - Don’t recall seeing one 13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - Yes, several times in my late teens and early twenties 14. Seen the Northern Lights - Do Blackpool Illuminations count? What? Oh. No, then. 15 Gone to a huge sports game - Is an FA Cup Semi-final huge? If it is, then Fulham v Birmingham at Maine Road, Manchester in 1975. Fulham won and West Ham beat them in the final 2-0 16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa - I've watched some other idiots do it 17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables - No, sorry 18. Touched an iceberg - Yes, but I'm not really too fond of lettuce 19. Slept under the stars - Been under canvass loads but not in the open 20. Changed a baby's nappy - Countless times 21. Taken a trip on a hot air balloon - See the tarantula answer 22. Watched a meteor shower - No, just the odd shooting star 23. Got drunk on champagne - Definitely not, but everything else, yes 24. Given more than you can afford to charity - I've given money but never more than I can afford 25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope - Yes, I've recently bought a Zenithstar 80 astroscope from a friend with all the bits and bobs but my tripod's not man enough for the job. I've looked at the moon so far - it's great! 26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - Too numerous to recall even on what occasions 27. Had a food fight - Yes. The food won 28. Bet on a winning horse - On many occasions 29. Asked out a stranger over the internet - Never 30. Had a snowball fight - Yes, before global warming put an end to snow dahn sahf 31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - I'm sure I did that as a kid 32. Held a lamb - No, but they're great with mint sauce 33. Seen a total eclipse - No 34. Ridden a roller coaster - Many times, but the condition of my back means I am now reduced to guarding the personal belongings of those with me while they ride them 35. Hit a home run - That's that merkin rounders thing, isn't it? No, but I've played rounders loads of times 36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking - I was told about it the following day 37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - Why? 38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - On many occasions 39. Had two hard drives for your computer - I don't need two, I've got a gert biggun 40. Visited all 50 states - Not even one 41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced - Fairly often, in my youth 42. Had amazing friends - Have 43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country – No, but I'd like to do that 44. Watched wild whales - No, nor calm ones (sorry, fatuous remark repeated from dolphin question) 45. Stolen a sign - Don't remember doing but I must have done once 46. Backpacked in Europe - Never backpacked anywhere 47. Taken a road-trip - Loads of 'em 48. Gone rock climbing - Only small ones 49. Midnight walk on the beach - Many times, again in a bygone age 50. Gone sky diving - Are you mad? 51. Visited Ireland - Yes, we rented a cottage with some friends in Kerry 52. Been heartbroken for longer than when you were in love - Yes, indeed 53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them - Only because it was full 54. Visited Japan - No 55. Milked a cow - No 56. Alphabetized your CDs - I'm not that obsessive, but I did start storing DVDs in alphabetical order until my family used to wind me up by putting them back in the wrong place 57. Pretended to be a superhero - I don't need to pretend 58. Sung karaoke - I have so far managed to avoid it, but came perilously close when we had a Christmas Karaoke Night at the pub when I had to choose between "My Way" and "Smack My Bitch Up". Fortunately, the large number of people who sung meant there was not time for me to perform. I was most upset (ahem) 59. Lounged around in bed all day - Not very often 60. Posed nude in front of strangers - I think I would have remembered if I had 61. Gone scuba diving - I wouldn't mind having a go, but, so far, no 62. Kissed in the rain - Who hasn't? 63. Played in the mud - If you do an Omally cache, it's inevitable 64. Played in the rain - See 62 65. Gone to a drive-in theatre - Never heard of such a ridiculous idea! 66. Visited the Great Wall of China - No 67. Started a business - Helping to run, yes, started, no 68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken - That's not possible, is it? 69. Toured ancient sites - One or two in this country 70. Taken a martial arts class - No 71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight - What a horrible thought 72. Gotten married - I GOT married...GOT, see? GOT, not bloody GOTTEN 73. Been in a movie - I have been in a short but the scene in a feature film in which I appeared ended up on the cutting room floor 74. Crashed a party - Probably 75. Gotten divorced - Doh! No, I haven't bloody well GOTTEN divorced 76. Gone without food for 5 days - When I was a kid with a bad dose of measles and, a couple of years after, whooping cough 77. Made cookies from scratch - No, but I have made biscuits 78. Won first prize in a costume contest - I won the DUG once! 79. Ridden a gondola in Venice - Regrettably, no 80. Gotten a tattoo - NO! 81. Rafted the Snake River - Whatted the what? 82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" - I've been interviewed on local radio 83. Got flowers for no reason - Who'd want to send me flowers? 84. Performed on stage - Oh yes, indeedy! 85. Been to Las Vegas - No 86. Recorded music - Yep 87. Eaten shark - Yes. Oh, sorry, I thought it said eaten BY shark. No 88. Had a one-night stand - One or two 89. Gone to Thailand - No 90. Bought a house - Three 91. Been in a combat zone - Yes, don't ask! 92. Buried one/both of your parents - My dad 93. Been on a cruise ship - No, but I want to 94. Spoken more than one language fluently - I love languages but, whilst I know one or two, I am not fluent in any 95. Performed in Rocky Horror - Seen it a few times and we did the Time Warp at a works do; I was dressed as Andy Pandy (errm, ask me next time you see me) 96. Raised children - My god, yes! 97. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour - Not really 98. Created and named your own constellation of stars - Nope 99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country - Never 10. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - There was always a reason 101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge - No 102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking - As soon as I see someone looking, I go into ventriloquist mode 103. Had plastic surgery - How dare you! 104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived - It wasn't exactly an accident, but, once, when I was a 19-year-old tosser in my old jalopy, I screeched to a stop at what I thought was the give-way dotted line - it was the centre line of the other road. If the traffic had been heavier, I probably wouldn't be here 105. Wrote articles for a large publication - Local magazine and the one published by the organisation I work for 106. Lost over 100 pounds - Yes, at the races 107. Held someone while they were having a flashback - What? 108. Piloted an airplane - Not a real one 109. Petted a stingray - Nearly 110. Broken someone's heart - Yes, regrettably 111. Helped an animal give birth - Eew! No 112. Won money on a T.V. game show - No 113. Broken a bone – Only a small one in my toe 114. Gone on an African photo safari – I'd love to do that! 115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced - Not intentionally 116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol – Yes, clay-pigeon shooting and a .22 at a rifle range 117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild – No 118. Ridden a horse – Hundreds of times - my missus has always had at least one horse 119. Had major surgery – No, only minor (and it didn't work 'cos my little finger's still crooked) 120. Had a snake as a pet - Nope 121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon - Not likely 122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - I can't be bothered to work that out! 123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states - Definitely 124. Visited all 7 continents - You're joking! 125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days - No thank YOU - haven't you seen 'Deliverance'? 126. Eaten kangaroo meat - Not likely! 127. Eaten sushi - Answer to 126 multiplied by lots 128. Had your picture in the newspaper - Yes, a few times 129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about – I'm not allowed to have opinions 130. Gone back to school – Not since 1984 131. Parasailed - You are asking ME, aren't you? 132. Petted a cockroach - Oh really! 133. Eaten fried green tomatoes - I don't like red ones either 134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey – Bits of both 135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read - George Orwell 136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - I've eaten lots of animals which have been killed prior to my meeting them 137. Skipped all your school reunions - Oh yes, indeed! 138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language – Every time I go to another country! 139. Been elected to public office - D'you think I'm barking? 140. Written your own computer language – I understand one or two, but I'm not clever enough to write one 141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream - Not really 142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care - No, thank goodness 143. Built your own PC from parts – No, but I reckon I could 144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you - Artwork? Hah! 145. Had a booth at a street fair – Just jumble sales and car boots 146: Dyed your hair - Hello! This is me 147: Been a DJ – Never 148: Shaved your head - About once a month 149: Caused a car accident – Yes, but not serious 150: Saved someone's life – Well, I didn't kill the bloke who I knocked off his motor bike so, technically, yes

Bloggers United

Bloody hell! This bloke looks scary; I'd do as I was told if he shouted at me! The marching drummers were superb, by the way. Mr Hedgehog and I met Maris Piper on Wednesday at her band's appearance in Bournemouth Pleasure Gardens and I stayed to listen to the afternoon performance, which was brilliant, particularly the Frank Sinatra swing mix at the end and, of course, the theme from Carrots of the Pirabbean, in which Maris and her bass clarinet feature prominently! I'd gone down on Monday as well but, unfortunately I had to dash back to the pub not long after arriving.

French Chronicles - I

All that blogging by el10t about his French holiday has revived my affinity for the country and I've been coming over all nostalgic and envious. We haven't been to France for almost two years and now I'm itching to go back. I am also reminded that I kept a diary of sorts on most of our numerous trips (well, just notes, really) and, if you're very good, I might revamp them a bit and, over the course of time, use them to try and lift your spirits from the morass of melancholy into which people's spirits do seem to sink on a fairly frequent basis. I look after you lot, don't I?! As a family, we had camped on our own in various parts of France but, one year, some good friends of ours suggested we all go together and we subsequently spent four thoroughly enjoyable holidays on the same site in the Vendée with them. We found that part of the fun of the holiday lay in the planning and we used to hold various meetings to settle important details, for example, which routes to take and how to stay together on the road (ffs, don't mention Rambouillet). Copious quantities of wine were consumed at these meetings, the excuse for which being that it was necessary to ensure our temporary integration into French society was as seamless and unobtrusive as possible. The dangers of this soon became apparent: nobody actually took notes and, inevitably, it was very often difficult for any of us to remember what decisions had been made (or, sometimes, what had even been discussed). This of course meant that further (hitherto unnecessary) meetings had to be convened at which the business transacted was again not properly recorded. The vicious circle continued, although none of us really regarded this aspect of the planning process as at all vicious. It's a wonder we ever made it.

I might almost have been famous

I had an e-mail this morning from someone who had watched the TOTP programme on the box last night, asking if I was related to the BBC producer Michael Hurll.

Well, I am! We share the same great-great-great-great grandfather. Well, that’s not strictly true – I wouldn’t expect there to be much left of him to share now. I was contacted a few years ago by his sister (Michael’s, not our great-great-great-great grandfather’s) who was compiling the family tree and wanted some info about my more immediate family.

This could possibly be my one claim to fame – except perhaps when Jeremy Bates trod on my foot next to one of the outside courts at Wimbledon.

Pilot scheme, or Your wish is my commando

I’ve been spending the last couple of days compiling the pub’s fortnightly general knowledge quiz. One of the rounds this week is on literature and one of my regular sources on the intermanet caused me to navigate to a site devoted to the Biggles’ books by Captain W E Johns, a boyhood favourite of mine, although I cannot claim to have read all 98 of them!

Here’s a little test for you. Which of the seven titles below is NOT a real Biggles book?

1. Biggles Flies East

2. Biggles Flies West

3. Biggles Flies North

4. Biggles Flies South

5. Biggles Flies Again

6. Biggles Flies To Work

7. Biggles Flies Undone

Also, I do recall borrowing two books by Johnners (if I may make so bold as to call him that) at the same time from the school library: Biggles Works It Out and Gimlet Mops Up.

Haha! What will those hero boys get up to next?!

Call that Football? – Update

Just when you thought it was safe to forget about the first blog in this series, I urge you to read the comment added to it by my son, Andrew, here. Very eloquently put, if I may say so. The matter is under advisement and I am considering my legal position.

Drip

And more drips. We can't get anything right in this country, can we? It's been so bloody humid, I feel as though there is someone with a watering can (large rose) constantly pouring warm water over my head. I honestly find this weather unbearable, to the extent I am considering consulting my GP to see if something's come loose. Talking of more drips, a friend of mine suggested a nifty scheme to me on Sunday (incidentally, before Alistair posted a link the other night in the chat to some home-made cooling device or other) which consists of filling a plastic Coke bottle with water and freezing it - don’t forget to allow for the fact that water expands when it freezes, so leave a space for that - ("actually, I would do two, then you've got one in reserve"), then simply standing it in front of an electric fan, whereupon the fan would distribute cold air instead of the boiling hot air which normally permeates the room where I have to work. Incidentally, my friend isn't one of the other drips mentioned: these are the ones from the Coke bottle which are pooling underneath it. You therefore also need a bowl of some kind to catch them. My office is so small that, with all of the equipment it seems you need, there is not enough space for it, or if I did set it up in the only available spot, it would probably prevent me from ever leaving the room. You can't win.