French Chronicles – II

At the time of the first joint holiday mentioned in Part 1 of these Chronicles, we owned a caravan and had travelled to France with it a couple of times already. The day we were due to set off for Portsmouth for the evening ferry, it was packed to the hilt (do caravans have hilts?) and strenuous efforts having been expended to wash it as well, equal quantities of sweat and soapy water were now swirling about in our section of New Forest District Council's drains. Further stress was imminent; upon connecting the caravan's electric hook-up to the car, the car's rear fog lights immediately came on and determinedly stayed on. I had not the remotest idea what was causing this but had no time to investigate. We therefore set off. We arrived at Portsmouth without further incident - but with fog lights blazing - at about 6.10 p.m. Nothing much of note happened during our seemingly interminable wait to board other than the man in front of us in the queue for the ferry continually going in and out of his caravan (we never did work out why), all the while making a noise like a trombone: normal people just hum or whistle. The other (slightly more worrying) thing was, inevitably, another caravanner asking me if I knew my rear fog lamps were on. I said I did and (as authoritatively as possible) that there was a short in the electrical system which I intended to repair once settled in France. My fellow traveller seemed satisfied with this totally disingenuous explanation and I fervently hoped he was not going to the same camp site. Some drivers seem incapable of following the simplest of instructions and, while we were following the activities of Mr Trombone Man, one of these drove past the multi column line of vehicles in a large white Citroën, towards a non-existent embarkation point, chased (on foot) by a clipboard-waving Brittany Ferries official, yelling at him to stop. No doubt the stupid idiot wondered what all those cars were doing parked on the quayside when the ferry was parked in the water. As the crossing to St Malo took about 10 hours, we did have a good chance of actually sleeping for a reasonable period; there is little doubt, though, that beer does help.

All Present And Nearly Correct

“…TWENTY-ONE TODAY, TWENTY-ONE TODAY, SHE’S GOT THE KEY OF THE DOOR, NEVER BEEN 21 BEFORE, LA LA LA LA LA LA LA etc. etc.” Marie is my eldest son Andrew’s girl-friend and, apart from being (in my opinion) the best thing that has ever happened to him, she is, as you might have gathered by now, 21 today! For the last couple of weeks, she has been like a dog with several tails, looking forward to the day and, especially the party at the pub tonight. She did very well this morning, apparently, and, although she woke up at 4.30 a.m., she didn’t get up until 7 a.m. They had watched the first DVD by 9 a.m. Anyway, the point of this is, our gift to her was still at home this morning and, as we have to clean the pub on a Saturday, there it remained. I came back to get changed and my missus phoned saying why didn’t I wrap it up and bring it and the card with me when I returned for lunch, and we could give them to her while it was relatively quiet. OK, for a bloke, I pride myself on being extraordinarily adept at wrapping up parcels; well, the first seven-eighths anyway. When I get to that stage, something goes ping and there is an immediate metamorphosis which results in the parcel looking as if several people have already tried to unwrap it. The item was enclosed in several layers of tissue paper in a cardboard box and required two fairly large sheets of wrapping paper. I had two sellotape-related problems: (1) I couldn’t find any that worked and (2) when I DID find some, it wouldn’t stick to the box properly. I accomplished the mission eventually but I had to stick the curly bow thingy on so as to obscure the yellow insulating tape. Hands up if anyone else sweats while wrapping up presents. She’s worth it, though.

Cut, cut, cut, blood, spurt, artery, murder (ahem)

I was going to mention this as an adjunct to Number 60 on the list in my last blog but, after someone suggested that posing nude in front of strangers might include having a baby (although she did recall wearing a T-shirt at the time), I thought I may have achieved it upon the occasion of my vasectomy some years ago - I would argue that, as a man, you probably couldn’t get much nuder than that in front of strangers - and the following account would not have sat well merely as an adjunct; I thought it more deserving of a separate blog, but make up your own mind about that. Those of a nervous disposition may like to squint a bit whilst reading. I would like to mention that I had a pre-op examination a few days before and it is the first time in my life (and the last, I hasten to assure you) that I have shaken the hand of an Australian, two digits of which, within seconds, were thrust unceremoniously up my arse. But I digress. Although I was told the operation would be done under a local anaesthetic (phew!), it was a day surgery job, so I was only at the hospital from about 9 a.m. until my sister-in-law picked me up late afternoon. I recall one or two incidents both during the day and the subsequent month I had to take off work. Eh? Well, because of the clot. Yes, the bugger with the knife and the one, er, down there. Think of a tennis ball. No, don’t. For 10 days, I had to sleep downstairs on the settee because I was unable to negotiate the stairs. And they made me take hot baths with salt and told me to squeeze clotted blood out. Excuse me while I wipe my eyes. Anyway, I got a Good Boy Certificate from one of the nurses who said that I burbled incessantly before I went under and, afterwards, I was wheeled into a recovery room with about eight other men, most of whom had had the same operation. A buxom sister would come in frequently and check our, um, bits. By her third visit, we were, in true Folies Bergères style, lifting our gowns in perfect unison – even the bloke in the bed next to me despite the fact he had only had an ingrowing toenail removed. All in all, a rather painful episode of my life which could possibly have been made less so had my sister-in-law not driven me home at about 60mph round country roads with me trying to take my weight on one or other buttock – and failing miserably. She meant well. When I got back to work, a friend of mine asked me where I had had the operation done. When I told him “Salisbury,” he replied “what, Market?” Oh, ha ha.

Are you experienced?

This list was half-inched from Lord Hutton's blog and some people in the rubbish chat agreed to do it as well. My comments will hopefully indicate whether I've done the thing or not. Maybe. 01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink - Of course I have! When we bought the pub and had a pubwarming party, the first drink for everyone was gratis - how great am I? 02. Swam with wild dolphins - No, nor with calm ones 03. Climbed a mountain - Yes, on a train 04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive - Why would I want to? 05. Been inside the Great Pyramid - Egypt, no; The Louvre, yes 06. Held a tarantula - Noooooooooo 07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - I would have remembered that 08. Said 'I love you' and meant it - I always mean it 09. Hugged a tree - Is that legal? 10. Bungee jumped - You’ve got to be kidding! With my back? 11. Visited Paris - Several times; I love it to bits 12. Watched a lightning storm at sea - Don’t recall seeing one 13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - Yes, several times in my late teens and early twenties 14. Seen the Northern Lights - Do Blackpool Illuminations count? What? Oh. No, then. 15 Gone to a huge sports game - Is an FA Cup Semi-final huge? If it is, then Fulham v Birmingham at Maine Road, Manchester in 1975. Fulham won and West Ham beat them in the final 2-0 16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa - I've watched some other idiots do it 17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables - No, sorry 18. Touched an iceberg - Yes, but I'm not really too fond of lettuce 19. Slept under the stars - Been under canvass loads but not in the open 20. Changed a baby's nappy - Countless times 21. Taken a trip on a hot air balloon - See the tarantula answer 22. Watched a meteor shower - No, just the odd shooting star 23. Got drunk on champagne - Definitely not, but everything else, yes 24. Given more than you can afford to charity - I've given money but never more than I can afford 25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope - Yes, I've recently bought a Zenithstar 80 astroscope from a friend with all the bits and bobs but my tripod's not man enough for the job. I've looked at the moon so far - it's great! 26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - Too numerous to recall even on what occasions 27. Had a food fight - Yes. The food won 28. Bet on a winning horse - On many occasions 29. Asked out a stranger over the internet - Never 30. Had a snowball fight - Yes, before global warming put an end to snow dahn sahf 31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - I'm sure I did that as a kid 32. Held a lamb - No, but they're great with mint sauce 33. Seen a total eclipse - No 34. Ridden a roller coaster - Many times, but the condition of my back means I am now reduced to guarding the personal belongings of those with me while they ride them 35. Hit a home run - That's that merkin rounders thing, isn't it? No, but I've played rounders loads of times 36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking - I was told about it the following day 37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - Why? 38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - On many occasions 39. Had two hard drives for your computer - I don't need two, I've got a gert biggun 40. Visited all 50 states - Not even one 41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced - Fairly often, in my youth 42. Had amazing friends - Have 43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country – No, but I'd like to do that 44. Watched wild whales - No, nor calm ones (sorry, fatuous remark repeated from dolphin question) 45. Stolen a sign - Don't remember doing but I must have done once 46. Backpacked in Europe - Never backpacked anywhere 47. Taken a road-trip - Loads of 'em 48. Gone rock climbing - Only small ones 49. Midnight walk on the beach - Many times, again in a bygone age 50. Gone sky diving - Are you mad? 51. Visited Ireland - Yes, we rented a cottage with some friends in Kerry 52. Been heartbroken for longer than when you were in love - Yes, indeed 53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them - Only because it was full 54. Visited Japan - No 55. Milked a cow - No 56. Alphabetized your CDs - I'm not that obsessive, but I did start storing DVDs in alphabetical order until my family used to wind me up by putting them back in the wrong place 57. Pretended to be a superhero - I don't need to pretend 58. Sung karaoke - I have so far managed to avoid it, but came perilously close when we had a Christmas Karaoke Night at the pub when I had to choose between "My Way" and "Smack My Bitch Up". Fortunately, the large number of people who sung meant there was not time for me to perform. I was most upset (ahem) 59. Lounged around in bed all day - Not very often 60. Posed nude in front of strangers - I think I would have remembered if I had 61. Gone scuba diving - I wouldn't mind having a go, but, so far, no 62. Kissed in the rain - Who hasn't? 63. Played in the mud - If you do an Omally cache, it's inevitable 64. Played in the rain - See 62 65. Gone to a drive-in theatre - Never heard of such a ridiculous idea! 66. Visited the Great Wall of China - No 67. Started a business - Helping to run, yes, started, no 68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken - That's not possible, is it? 69. Toured ancient sites - One or two in this country 70. Taken a martial arts class - No 71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight - What a horrible thought 72. Gotten married - I GOT married...GOT, see? GOT, not bloody GOTTEN 73. Been in a movie - I have been in a short but the scene in a feature film in which I appeared ended up on the cutting room floor 74. Crashed a party - Probably 75. Gotten divorced - Doh! No, I haven't bloody well GOTTEN divorced 76. Gone without food for 5 days - When I was a kid with a bad dose of measles and, a couple of years after, whooping cough 77. Made cookies from scratch - No, but I have made biscuits 78. Won first prize in a costume contest - I won the DUG once! 79. Ridden a gondola in Venice - Regrettably, no 80. Gotten a tattoo - NO! 81. Rafted the Snake River - Whatted the what? 82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" - I've been interviewed on local radio 83. Got flowers for no reason - Who'd want to send me flowers? 84. Performed on stage - Oh yes, indeedy! 85. Been to Las Vegas - No 86. Recorded music - Yep 87. Eaten shark - Yes. Oh, sorry, I thought it said eaten BY shark. No 88. Had a one-night stand - One or two 89. Gone to Thailand - No 90. Bought a house - Three 91. Been in a combat zone - Yes, don't ask! 92. Buried one/both of your parents - My dad 93. Been on a cruise ship - No, but I want to 94. Spoken more than one language fluently - I love languages but, whilst I know one or two, I am not fluent in any 95. Performed in Rocky Horror - Seen it a few times and we did the Time Warp at a works do; I was dressed as Andy Pandy (errm, ask me next time you see me) 96. Raised children - My god, yes! 97. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour - Not really 98. Created and named your own constellation of stars - Nope 99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country - Never 10. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - There was always a reason 101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge - No 102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking - As soon as I see someone looking, I go into ventriloquist mode 103. Had plastic surgery - How dare you! 104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived - It wasn't exactly an accident, but, once, when I was a 19-year-old tosser in my old jalopy, I screeched to a stop at what I thought was the give-way dotted line - it was the centre line of the other road. If the traffic had been heavier, I probably wouldn't be here 105. Wrote articles for a large publication - Local magazine and the one published by the organisation I work for 106. Lost over 100 pounds - Yes, at the races 107. Held someone while they were having a flashback - What? 108. Piloted an airplane - Not a real one 109. Petted a stingray - Nearly 110. Broken someone's heart - Yes, regrettably 111. Helped an animal give birth - Eew! No 112. Won money on a T.V. game show - No 113. Broken a bone – Only a small one in my toe 114. Gone on an African photo safari – I'd love to do that! 115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced - Not intentionally 116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol – Yes, clay-pigeon shooting and a .22 at a rifle range 117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild – No 118. Ridden a horse – Hundreds of times - my missus has always had at least one horse 119. Had major surgery – No, only minor (and it didn't work 'cos my little finger's still crooked) 120. Had a snake as a pet - Nope 121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon - Not likely 122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - I can't be bothered to work that out! 123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states - Definitely 124. Visited all 7 continents - You're joking! 125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days - No thank YOU - haven't you seen 'Deliverance'? 126. Eaten kangaroo meat - Not likely! 127. Eaten sushi - Answer to 126 multiplied by lots 128. Had your picture in the newspaper - Yes, a few times 129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about – I'm not allowed to have opinions 130. Gone back to school – Not since 1984 131. Parasailed - You are asking ME, aren't you? 132. Petted a cockroach - Oh really! 133. Eaten fried green tomatoes - I don't like red ones either 134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey – Bits of both 135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read - George Orwell 136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - I've eaten lots of animals which have been killed prior to my meeting them 137. Skipped all your school reunions - Oh yes, indeed! 138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language – Every time I go to another country! 139. Been elected to public office - D'you think I'm barking? 140. Written your own computer language – I understand one or two, but I'm not clever enough to write one 141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream - Not really 142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care - No, thank goodness 143. Built your own PC from parts – No, but I reckon I could 144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you - Artwork? Hah! 145. Had a booth at a street fair – Just jumble sales and car boots 146: Dyed your hair - Hello! This is me 147: Been a DJ – Never 148: Shaved your head - About once a month 149: Caused a car accident – Yes, but not serious 150: Saved someone's life – Well, I didn't kill the bloke who I knocked off his motor bike so, technically, yes

Bloggers United

Bloody hell! This bloke looks scary; I'd do as I was told if he shouted at me! The marching drummers were superb, by the way. Mr Hedgehog and I met Maris Piper on Wednesday at her band's appearance in Bournemouth Pleasure Gardens and I stayed to listen to the afternoon performance, which was brilliant, particularly the Frank Sinatra swing mix at the end and, of course, the theme from Carrots of the Pirabbean, in which Maris and her bass clarinet feature prominently! I'd gone down on Monday as well but, unfortunately I had to dash back to the pub not long after arriving.

French Chronicles - I

All that blogging by el10t about his French holiday has revived my affinity for the country and I've been coming over all nostalgic and envious. We haven't been to France for almost two years and now I'm itching to go back. I am also reminded that I kept a diary of sorts on most of our numerous trips (well, just notes, really) and, if you're very good, I might revamp them a bit and, over the course of time, use them to try and lift your spirits from the morass of melancholy into which people's spirits do seem to sink on a fairly frequent basis. I look after you lot, don't I?! As a family, we had camped on our own in various parts of France but, one year, some good friends of ours suggested we all go together and we subsequently spent four thoroughly enjoyable holidays on the same site in the Vendée with them. We found that part of the fun of the holiday lay in the planning and we used to hold various meetings to settle important details, for example, which routes to take and how to stay together on the road (ffs, don't mention Rambouillet). Copious quantities of wine were consumed at these meetings, the excuse for which being that it was necessary to ensure our temporary integration into French society was as seamless and unobtrusive as possible. The dangers of this soon became apparent: nobody actually took notes and, inevitably, it was very often difficult for any of us to remember what decisions had been made (or, sometimes, what had even been discussed). This of course meant that further (hitherto unnecessary) meetings had to be convened at which the business transacted was again not properly recorded. The vicious circle continued, although none of us really regarded this aspect of the planning process as at all vicious. It's a wonder we ever made it.