Well, it’s not
full plagiarism, it’s plagiarism of style or method of presentation or something – the content is all mine. I like to think that’s not quite so heinous a crime as the out and out theft of a whole literary opus. It is indicative, perhaps, of a lack of original thought but, well, I’ve done it quite a few times over the years and I’m fairly comfortable with it. You may recall a
recent instance.
I’ve also done it before that. I’m sure many of you are familiar with
The Meaning of Liff by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd. I won’t repeat the explanation given but I did some of my own, using place-names around my local area. Rightly or wrongly, I hereby share them with you.
GUSSAGE ALL SAINTS - Gussaging was something unspeakably messy done to a fish prior to its being cooked and, in fact, was a popular torture inflicted upon heretics during the Spanish Inquisition. In such times of tremendous religious intolerance, violent gangs used to march about shouting "Gussage all saints!" and if they found one, this is what they did.
Sometimes, individuals were victimised and the mob would go on the rampage, chanting things like "Gussage St Michael!" However, even when in such moods, they would not be too bothered if St Michael wasn't around, as long as they were able to gussage some other poor sod. In a strange way, though, this indicated a degree of tolerance and, over the years, a breakaway faction was formed which considered this apathy to be a weakening of purpose and they began to specialise in wimborning, the word ‘wimborne’ having derived from the last words of the first known victim, St Giles: "Wish I'm born", (as opposed to dead, which state was brought on by repeated blows with stale loaves of bread filled with lead). Ever since then, the group went around chanting "Wimborne St Giles!" whoever they intended to do it to.
At about the same time, another group was formed whose firm preference was to charlton all saints, which meant, basically, set them on fire. The group was disbanded after quite a short time, however, because, as matches hadn't been invented, they had to rub pieces of wood rapidly along their victim's body in an effort to ignite him and this was just too much like hard work. In any case, it didn't really instil a lot of fear in those likely to receive the punishment as it was soon realised that the worst they were likely to suffer was splinters and possibly a little light bruising.
MONKTON UP WIMBORNE - It is probably best to draw a veil (or, perhaps, a cassock) over this vile practice which was quite common in the late 1500s, some time after the wimborners ceased carrying out their bigoted attacks. The main piece of equipment required, however (and the reason for inclusion of the "wimborne" part of the name), was still a stale loaf of bread stuffed with lead, although the main difference was that it had to have been baked in a thinnish cylindrical shape, rather like the modern baguette. The practice was, thankfully, confined to groups of monks belonging to the Order of Filthy Habits and its popularity slowly waned, disappearing by the end of the 16th Century. Bored with the solitude which was an essential requisite, the monks wished to share some of their dubious "habits" with the population at large and they began to travel round the towns and villages giving the menfolk what became known as "sixpenny handleys". Sixpence was a great deal of money in those days, though, and the monks' customers soon began to subscribe to the increasingly more varied (and much cheaper) services of the local strumpets.
Sixpenny handleys were still known by this name but the cost of them, as for many other facilities, had been much reduced. The fee levied for full sex was, for example, a penny farthing, hence the phrase (originally quite complimentary) "she's the village bike", although this did not obviously come into general usage until much later. Interestingly, there are other practices which were given names that have since proved derivational - a very popular one at the time based upon its price was a "deep groat".
BUCKLERS HARD – A physical condition, named after one of the monks (Father Damien Buckler, a founder member of the Order of Filthy Habits) which was essential to enable a sixpenny handley to be successfully administered.
LIMPLEY STOKE - A very slow, lazy thrusting action with a (usually metal) poker whereby a fire that's burning perfectly well is just gently disturbed. It is really an unnecessary action and quite commonly carried out almost subconsciously as an aid to mental relaxation or meditation.
MOCKBEGGAR - A mockbeggar used to be a derogatory taunt directed specifically at a peasant or some other unsavoury low life who accosted you in the street and tried to solicit money or sell you something you did not want, e.g. "Thou foul smelling, noisome varlet; seek remunerative employment somewhere or return to the midden whence ye came - oh, and by the by, take yon mangy wolf hound with thee!" It was then customary for your companion to compliment you by saying something like "Sooth! Thy mockbeggar was most wicked!"
The mockbeggar has evolved to cover all kinds of situations and now encompasses such remarks as "Bugger off, sunshine! You must be blind if you can't see the fluorescent yellow notice stuck on the door saying I don't buy stuff from callers and the fact that I've already got double glazing."
BEER HACKETT - This was the name given to anything that was used to open a Worthington Party Seven. It was invariably something like a screwdriver or chisel because no one ever had the right tool, especially the sophisticated tap device that prevented beer from spraying up like a geyser all over the ceiling, furniture and guests when you did eventually open it.
SHILLINGSTONE - In essence, an early beauty treatment. In the early 1600s, in an effort to improve the general public's moral attitudes, believing that a healthy body led to a healthy mind, local clergy introduced what must have been the first health farms by setting up institutions around the district and encouraging people to attend them regularly. All they had to do was pay a total of one shilling (in instalments) for a course of 6 months' special body toning. The shilling's-tone (later contracted to shillingstone), as it came to be called, rapidly fell into disfavour, however, and everyone soon went back to being fat, lazy and flatulent. This condition must have achieved significant popularity, continuing, as it has done, to the present time.
STRATFORD TONY - William Shakespeare's bookie. Although there was no horse racing in those days, a number of opportunities existed for a bookie to rake in hard earned readies from the local populace. There was so much villainy around, it would be more accurate to label these readies hard-pinched or, so far as the landed gentry were concerned, hard extorted. Murder and mayhem seemed to be the order of the day and life was generally terribly unhygienic and pretty unbearable. Everyone was so despicable to everyone else, it was almost worth being beaten to death to be free of it. The longer someone bet they could go without being mugged, strangled or disembowelled, the better the odds Tony would offer. Mind you, nobody ever collected any winnings from him since they were always killed before expiry of the period they had bet on (usually by someone Tony hired to do the job). It is believed that Shakespeare regularly placed bets with Tony and the most common were, for example, that someone would understand one of his plays or that everyone would stay awake during a performance of King Lear. He never won a groat.
NETHER WALLOP - As already described, crime of one sort or another abounded in the Middle Ages, particularly the kind whereby bodily harm (grievous or otherwise) was inflicted upon people for a variety of reasons. One of the favourite disabling manoeuvres was the nether wallop which, as the name suggests, would render a (male) victim completely helpless for some time. Less popular was the middle wallop which required more brute force and which only resulted in temporary incapacity, although it provided the perpetrator the opportunity to follow up with something more deadly. An over wallop was really the result of misjudging the power of the blow actually administered.
PRESTON PLUCKNETT - A device originally brought into use in the early days of the Preston "Guilds" (held in the Lancashire town during the same week each year) which consisted of a very large string bag made of thin strong cord into which feathers from freshly killed ducks and chickens were stuffed. The cord was closely woven to prevent the contents from spilling out and, when it was full, it was covered in a cotton sack, sewn up, given a "TOG*" rating and used as a bed cover.
* Tested On Gabriel - Gabriel Du Vey was a textiles expert who developed a system of certification for this type of bed cover. The test procedure involved him being wrapped inside one wearing only a pair of thin bedsocks and locked in a refrigerated meat cupboard. He would then give a numerical rating based upon the number of his extremities which, after a fixed period of time, had not gone cold. In honour of his work, the bed covers were named after him, and, for years, many people slept with a soft warm gabriel on top of them. The covers are, of course, now known as duvets but the origin of the word is unknown.
Later, I watched (from Number 30 upwards) the Top 100 Children’s TV Programmes (as voted for by YOU!) and would just like to issue the following statements to Channel 4: (1) I know where you live, and (2) if you continue to maintain that ‘The Simpsons’ is a children’s programme, I will come round there and beat you all senseless until you desist from such ludicrous contentions.
That’s all, really.
“To: The Best Pub In The New Forest
Customer Reference Number: 80110cx5 2 u
Dear Customer
Thank you for changing - without even realising you had - to Business Electricity Plan Flexirate 2. You'll see this change on your next bill from us.
As a Powergen customer with a Business Electricity Plan contract, your prices will be fixed for the length of your contract and we're pleased to be able to give details of the Business Electricity Plan you believe you have chosen all by yourself without any help from us overleaf.
Remember, if you are a Tesco Clubcard holder and you have a mere 15 minutes 55 seconds to waste, please contact us at the number below to attempt to register your Clubcard with us as part of a promotion which, as you will soon discover, is only available to Residential customers. Please try and ensure that, before ringing, you have a telephone with a speaker button so that you can get on with some work while you wait the 14 minutes 55 seconds it takes to actually answer your call. With this scenario in mind, you will, of course, appreciate that our operative will thereby have actually dealt with your actual call very quickly indeed, actually.
Do remember this call will be free but it would be of great help to obviate delays for other customers with genuine account queries if you were to ring on a separate occasion just to thank us for not charging you for ringing us - this usually only takes 12 minutes 40 seconds.
You would - if the Clubcard facility were available to you - earn 1 point for every £1 you spend on your energy. That's 224 points a month you will learn you will have lost just by ringing us - free!
Yours faithfully,
Elaine Harley
Customer Service”
Tchoh! Guess which two words out of the last four don’t go together!
MD, it makes you want to weep and you immediately stop whingeing.
That's all for now.
