Letter to a dead Goon

Dear Mr Milligan,

I am so sorry. I know that you’re dead (and, by the way, I suspect I may be one of the few people who actually believed you when you said you were ill) and I bitterly regret that I never had the opportunity to shake your hand before you shuffled off this mortail coil. I am, and always have been, a great admirer and avid devourer of your work – in literature (Puckoon and the Adolf Hitler series spring immediately to mind), radio (The Goon Show – what else?) and television (too many classic appearances in a multitude of programmes to mention). Make no mistake, you were a comic genius in life and the legacy of your work will ensure the continuation of that status even though you are gone.

I am not necessarily a staunch supporter of the quote of that famous Greek bloke, Chilon of Sparta, popularised by the Italian theologian Ambrogio Traversari in 1432, when he translated it into Latin to the now well-known and oft used de mortuis nil nisi bonum, but I respect its obviously well-meant moral assertion.

However, upon a recent sojourn to town, during which I had occasion to visit the local Sue Ryder shop, I bought a copy of your book Robin Hood according to Spike Milligan, the existence of which I am ashamed to admit I was hitherto unaware and was more than happy to fork out £1.50 for the privilege of owning it. I have now read it from cover to cover, having felt obliged to do so.

It is shite.

Yours faithfully, Lois.

P.S. I am really sorry.