Headlines

You know, I really shouldn't allow myself to have idle moments because they enable me to drift off into a dangerous reverie fuelled by pedantry. I suppose, in a way, it's inevitable given my idiosyncratic obsession with the English language and its vagaries.

One of the many futile exercises which occupy my mind from time to time is trying to guess what news headlines REALLY mean. Not those ones in The Sun, some of  which make you want to take up a cudgel and break the limbs of innocent passers‑by (in a rather perverse way, I almost admire some of them – not that I couldn't write better ones, obviously), but the summaries in about 24 point font you see above an actual story. It's very easy to deliberately misinterpret it and write a completely different summary of the story. I can see you're straining at the leash for examples, aren't you? Whatever.

Villas-Boas named Tottenham Boss

(BBC Sport)

Levy: "Good morning, André. Welcome to the interview. Please sit down."

AVB: "Thank you, I'd rather crouch here and keep my mac on."

Levy: "Very well. I have an important question for you. Who was the manager we sacked recently?"

AVB: "Harry Redknapp."

Levy: "Well done, you've got the job!"

Apple settles China iPad case

(BBC News)

The opportunities here are endless. It ought to be the strange story of the man who bought a hard case made of porcelain for his iPad and foolishly sat under an apple tree in windy weather with the trusty device by his side. As predicted by dear old Isaac Newton all those years ago, an apple fell from the tree and smashed the fragile cover to smithereens.

Katie Holmes braves split from Tom Cruise

(Daily Express)

Apparently, as a wedding present, Katie gave Tom some Red Indian servants and, as well as carrying out traditional duties, they were experts in the provision of vital services like scalp treatment and face-painting; also, Tom frequently ate at the best restaurants and they were extraordinarily good at making reservations. However, they all fancied Katie and reluctantly went with Cruise when the couple moved apart. Also, they were bitterly opposed to Scientology, constantly accusing L Ron Hubbard of having spoken with a forked tongue. So they resigned en masse.

 

A source close to Cruise said "Tom's not really bothered as they used to hold a staff disco every Friday night and it never bloody stopped raining, even though it was dry everywhere else in the County."

I'm a hopeless case. Still, at least it's a blog.