Minutes of the Football Club Committee

Not actually Minutes, just a resumé of the Committee’s reaction to proposals that the Chairman was foolish enough to be persuaded to bring before the Committee by Simon and Ariadne earlier in the day. I suppose it was inevitable, really: sport is fairly high on Simon’s list of Things I Would Rather Not Do If It’s All The Same To You; I should have been alerted to this when it emerged that he thought Henman was a half-man half-chicken superhero. So, to the proposals. The first was that the Club should provide topless cheerleaders to encourage the team during the match. I reacted to this with considerable enthusiasm and Simon displayed a rare empathy with such an obviously sport-related matter. His keenness dissipated somewhat when I suggested that, to save money, I could perhaps be one of them. The Committee felt that, whilst they would undoubtedly encourage the players, it would not be to play football. Not approved. The next was to use a duck as the ball. The Committee was less than receptive to this, firstly as the proposal seemed flawed in that the report failed to mention whether the duck needed to be dead or not and, dead or alive, a duck was unlikely to possess the bouncing qualities necessary to make a positive contribution to the game. Not approved. Next, the goalkeeper should dress up as a clown and dance the lambada during moments of inactivity. Amazingly, the Club was halfway to achieving this as the present incumbent’s performances gave the impression that he was dressed as a clown and he already danced the lambada incessantly, even during moments of activity. No approval necessary. Lastly, I put forward one of my own suggestions: that the traditional half time oranges should be replaced by flagellation with birch twigs. This was approved unanimously. So the two hours spent in the chatroom weren't entirely wasted.