Letter to me

I'm not sure but I think Hutters put me up to this. This is a letter from me now to me at 13 years of age:

Dear Nigel, You will be called Lois in about 40 years time but that's not important right now. Right now, you must stop hanging around at school with the likes of Jock and Ken and the other wankers. It's easy for me to say now but you really have to learn to stand on your own two feet a lot sooner than you actually will. Just because Mum ran around after all of us and we never lifted a finger to help doesn't mean she liked doing it. Neither, I imagine, did she like the beatings from Dad after closing time while we cowered on the stairs. I don't suppose for a minute that this will stop you from only getting three O-levels and realising too late that you want to carry on in the sixth form but, because you will continue to act like a prick, the headmaster will say "no chance" and you will walk out of school smoking. Don't be too hasty in affairs of the heart and don’t think you must be in love with someone just because she lets you be intimate with her. Down that road could lie endless unhappiness. That will be narrowly averted, by the way. You will agree to accompany cousin Ruth to the Youth Employment Office whence you will be sent to an interview after which you will enjoy – with varying degrees of intensity – a moderately successful 37-year professional career, during the last eighteen months of which you will cope badly with the pressure of work. This unfortunate period will come to an end although various parts of you will start (and continue) to hurt a bit. The good news is that you will have a fantastic family of your own and make a lot of wonderful friends. Finally, the beginning of the year 2009 will herald the award to you of a free bus pass – use it wisely! Yours (mine) very sincerely, Lois