French Leave

You’ve heard of shark-infested waters, haven’t you? Well, not being an expert in semantics, I don’t know whether you can have a nostalgia-infested blog. Nostalgia can pervade, I feel, but can it be said to infest? I really don’t know (or care, actually) but, long before I knew what a blog was, I used to dutifully record my exploits in France, where we have spent many a happy holiday. So the events I commence to describe actually happened several years ago, but many emotions have caused their resurrection to consciousness, not only nostalgia. At the end of June in this particular year, I spent a week in a restored 18th Century country manor house in deepest Normandy with My Line Manager, her cousin and his girl-friend. The nearest town was Falaise (some 15km distant), the birthplace of William the Conqueror (or William the Bastard as he was more commonly called by his contemporaries, because of his illegitimacy; to King Harold and his army at Pevensey Bay, Hastings, in 1066, he was actually known as William the Right Bastard). • Pertinent Fact No.1: the Cousin had been beset with serious back problems for several years and had recently retired on health grounds • Pertinent Fact No. 2: I had taken delivery of a brand spankingly new car two weeks before The Diary Wot I Kept Tuesday 0600: Tearful farewells involving M (7), A (15) and temporary guardian, Grandma. These were pointedly one-sided. 1645: Eventually arrived at house, having experienced some difficulty with the directions provided. As we did not bring a protractor, we were unsure which right-turn was at 45 degrees to the road we were on. 1800: Having unpacked, went to nearest supermarket for vital supplies, i.e. swig and burgers. When we returned to the car, one of the front tyres was punctured and I had to change the wheel in extreme heat and violent swearificational conditions. Daily Car Fact: An irritating rattling noise is emanating from the rear end. Wednesday A stream runs through the garden and there is a pond with several geese and a duck on the land next door. The leader of the geese is a vicious creature called Vlad (all right, all right, but it should have been) which constantly hisses at the Cousin. It is lucky a fence separates them from us. DCF: Today, the handle on the outside of the driver’s door broke and I now have to wait while someone opens it from inside before I can get in. Thursday Found a tyre repair depot after making enquiries at tourist information office in Falaise. With fingers crossed behind my back, realising that a conversation in French between me and anyone else about puncture repairs and garages had little chance of achieving a successful outcome, I asked the girl behind the counter (in French) if she spoke English; then things began to look up. She was from Shropshire. Resultant visit to tyre depot very successful. However, had I remembered the French word for ‘invoice’, much time would have been saved. DCF: Rattle from rear of car has become a clank. Friday Picked up repaired tyre. DCF: The clank has worsened but is intermittent so is regarded alternately with annoyance and anxiety. Saturday The Cousin sat on one of the plastic garden chairs and a leg snapped off; his back condition was hardly improved by this; neither was his fall from halfway up the highly slippery stone stairs later that evening. DCF: The strap used to pull the back seat up (to fold down the seats for more storage space) tore off. Sunday Returned from a day out when MLM noticed only one brake light working. While the Cousin was trying to replace the defective bulb, he dropped the new bulb and holder down inside the car body, from where it was impossible to retrieve. DCF: Now only driving in daylight, trying desperately to avoid braking. Monday The bad luck is rubbing off on local residents: one of the cows on the adjoining (apparently unoccupied) property got stuck up the narrow stone staircase leading to a side door. Unsure of the correct procedure for reorientation of livestock in confined spaces (the creature seemed incapable of descending the steps backwards), I took its picture and went indoors. About half an hour later, it had disappeared, leaving a seriously bent guard rail and steaming physical evidence of the anxiety it must have been experiencing. DCF: The clank is no better and, today, the plastic insert surrounding the driver’s internal door handle fell out. Tuesday Returned home to find M full of elation that Grandma, The Vegetable Enforcer, was going back to Manchester the following day. DCF: The steering-wheel lock has stopped working. Happy days!