What's My Line?

Today, I have been mostly losing the will to live. Allow me to elaborate. I am sorry but this blog has ended up quite a bit longer than I anticipated it would be. Many of you know we have a pub. Andrew (First Boy, who used to be Manager but who now has another job) still lives in the flat above. He now has a slaptop and wants to install wireless broadband. Simple task? Hmmm. He has bought a router and made enquiries of BT, whose monthly rate is quite reasonable (£16 or so for a 1Mb service). Snag – because it’s a pub, it’s a business line and the charge will double. Andrew does not want to pay double – I don’t blame him. So what to do? Wannado! (See what I did there?). They won’t know it’s a business line, will they? I dunno, it’s worth a go (look! I did it again!). He telephoned Wannado, who checked the line. Ooh! It’s already broadband enabled for BT Openworld, say Wanadoo. Apparently, someone previously had made enquiries of BT Openworld about broadband but failed to pursue it and, as a result, there is something called a marker on the line which prevents it being enabled for another ISP’s broadband service. He contacted a BT engineer we know for some advice. Acting upon the advice given, Andrew spoke to someone at BT who said that he would e-mail BT Openworld to arrange for release of the marker. Understandably anxious to be up and running as soon as possible, he rang me from work (as he had decided that it was about time he actually did some work) to ask if I could speak to someone at the number he had been given to see if: (1) there was some way to chivvy this along and, (2) how long would it take to do. Because I love him, I did it, albeit with a sense of foreboding. *dials number given* BT Openworld: “Thank you for calling BT Openworld. Calls will be charged at the rate of 50 pence per minute, and will not last longer than 25 minutes. My name is completely unintelligible and I probably will not be able to help you. Please state the e-mail address attached to your intermanet connection.” Me: “There is no intermanet connection here. I have spoken to BT this morning [lie] because we want to set up an intermanet connection here. We want to use another ISP but apparently there is a marker on the line for BT Openworld and the other ISP cannot enable the line for their service because of this marker. The person at BT said he will send an e-mail to the Department concerned, i.e you, so that the marker can be removed. He gave me your number and the reason I am ringing is to ask if the process can be carried out as speedily as possible and, if so, how long will it take?” BT Openworld: “Hello?” Me: “Oh, fucking hell!” BT Openworld: “Pardon?” Me: “Sorry! What’s the weather like in Calcutta, by the way?” BT Openworld: “Pardon?” Me: “Never mind.” *repeats entire paragraph starting “There is no intermanet connection here.”* BT Openworld: “I’m afraid I do not understand your query.” Me: “Right! I will try and use as many words of one syllable as possible!” BT Openworld: “Pardon?” Me: “Never mind.” *largely repeats same paragraph using shorter words* BT Openworld: “I am afraid you need Technical Support, Sir!” Me: “I certainly do and I am sure that is the first accurate statement you have ever made in your BT Openworld career. I was not aware I was talking to the Furniture Polish and Paper Clip Procurement Department.” BT Openworld: “Pardon?” Me: “Never mind. Can you give me their number, please?” BT Openworld: “0906 etc.” Me: “Thank you very much indeed.” BT Openworld: “It has been a pl….” (slam!) *Dials second number* BT Openworld: “Thank you for calling BT Openworld. Calls will be charged at the rate of 50 pence per minute, and will not last longer than 25 minutes. My name is also completely unintelligible and I probably will not be able to help you either. Please state the e-mail address attached to your intermanet connection.” Me: *recites usual paragraph* BT Openworld: “I’m afraid I don’t underst…” Me: “Can I speak to your Supervisor, please?” BT Openworld: “You want to speak to my Supervisor, Sir?” Me: “Yes, that’s right.” BT Openworld: “One moment, please, Sir.” *waits* BT Openworld: “My supervisor is coming right along.” Me: “Good!” BT Openworld Supervisor: “Can I help you, Sir?” Me: “I do hope so!” *repeats paragraph* BT Openworld Supervisor: “So…” *Supervisor repeats paragraph, substituting personal pronouns as appropriate* Me: “Yes, exactly!” BT Openworld Supervisor: “This is the Narrowband Help Desk. You need to speak to BT to ask them to remove the marker.” Me: “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” BT Openworld Supervisor: “Pardon?” Me: “Sorry! Er…can you give me the number, please?” BT Openworld Supervisor:Certainly, Sir, it’s 0800 800 151.” Me:”Thank you very much!” BT Openworld Supervisor:”No problem, Sir! It has been a pl……” (slam!) *Dials 0800 800 151* BT (automated voice): “To have a line tested or report a fault, press 1; for all other repair enquiries, press 2. For all other enquiries, press 9.” *presses 9 without much enthusiasm* BT: “Due to the high volume of calls being dealt with currently, there will be a significant delay and you will have to wait your arse off at our pleasure. One of our representatives will be with you as soon as possible.” *waits* *waits a bit longer* *switches phone to speaker and puts it on desk* *does some work” BT: “Hi! Thank you for calling BT, my name is Lisa, please give the telephone number which has the fault.” Me: “Actually, there isn’t a fault as such.” *again repeats the standard paragraph* BT: “Well, this is Faults, you need Customer Services.” Me: “Oh, f- ! Ahem! Can you give me their number?” BT: “Yes! 0800 800 150, but I can put you through!” Me: “Thank you!” *waits* BT: “Hi! My name is Bob and how can I help you today?” *clears throat and repeats standard paragraph* BT: “OK! I’ll just consult Technical.” *waits* Actually, this BT person was really pleasant and helpful and he had a sense of humour. BT: “Phew! Well, you have my sympathy. I’ve not been with BT that long but I never thought that something that on the face of it was so simple could be so complicated!” Me: “Tell me about it!” Well, one or two further conversations took place and the upshot is we will have to wait about a week to ten days for the marker to be removed, then to ring another 0800 number if it isn’t. That last call took 45 minutes and 6 seconds (true!) and the BT man remarked that, compared to the effort involved in trying to solve my problem, finding the Holy Grail would have been a piece of cake! I thanked him and said he had nearly made everything all right again with that remark! And, no, I don’t know his name, or if he was wearing a mask!