The Sausage And Mash Award

“And the Lois Award For The Most Disgusting Sausage And Mash goes to……” *pauses for suspenseful effect* “……the [insert name of hotel here] Hotel, Letchworth, Herts! Unfortunately, the Hotel couldn’t be here tonight as it is busy poisoning some other unsuspecting diners, but the award will be received on its behalf by the generous sponsor.” Hello, Lois here. I would just like to thank the first waitress who obviously misheard me when I consulted the Menu and ordered the “Sausages and Mash In A Yummy Gravy” and got the kitchen to rustle me up a dish of sewage instead. Thanks are also due to the second waitress who brought the steaming, er, dish to me, asking if I wanted some tomato ketchup on it! On reflection, this may have improved the taste somewhat. I must take the opportunity of expressing my gratitude to the knife and fork – it couldn’t have been easy for them. And I couldn’t possibly have accomplished any eating without the help of extreme food deprivation brought about by a lack of lunch. And when Stacey… pardon? I didn’t? oh, sorry, that was rude of me… when Stacey came to collect my dish, she asked if everything had been all right for me. I cleverly avoided giving her a direct answer by asking if I could please pay the bill. What I should have said is that, yes, everything had been all right, inasmuch as it is all right to give someone food that has only marginally more flavour than industrial effluent, but it was 7.30 p.m. and I was quite tired and emotional from a four-hour journey that should have only taken two and a half. Thank you, and I love you all!