A hypothesis linking early childhood experience to climate change

I have only recently realised that I may be personally responsible for global warming.

“Pshaw!” you may say, or “Tush!” even, but the dreadful fact remains. Dear friends, please don’t hold it against me – I was but an acne-riddled teenager and knew no better.

When I was 13 or 14, I used to sleep at my Gran’s on Friday nights, because she used to let me stay up late. She also used to give me rabbit stew and hot tomato juice and stuff like that (and she taught me some rude rhymes as well but perhaps more of that another day). Well, this one time, I told her that my friend – who lived nearby - had asked me to stay the night at his house. In fact, he was not allowed to have friends to stay over and we had previously agreed that we would go out until late and I would secretly sleep in his Dad’s greenhouse out of sight at the bottom of the garden.

Well, it is irrelevant what we did or where we went earlier that night but bedtime finally arrived. Bed! – schmed! Solid concrete with some dirty old sacks for a mattress and some old pages of the Daily Sketch as blankets. I felt like an old tramp, but knew I would never find one at that time of the night – at least, not in my friend’s garden.

Anyway – and this is the moment a chain of events began which has irrevocably changed life (and the climate) as we know it - in the wee small hours, I awoke suddenly to a rustling and snuffling, realising with abject terror that something was eating my sports section. This immediately provoked a violent farting fit, (ably fuelled by the curry and chips supper, no doubt), as my brain (all on its own, with no help or encouragement from me) instructed my bowels to behave in a slightly less constricted fashion. They duly obliged with trouser- and window-rattling intensity and I leapt up, sliding open the door! If only I could have exited my temporary shelter without undertaking that simple operation. For, you see, I had inadvertently released into the atmosphere what I now appreciate were greenhouse gases and the rest, as they say, is history - and geography as well, I suppose.

Sorry about that!

This blog post fulfils the assignment A hypothesis linking early childhood experience to climate change at lazyblog.org. You can rate it here.